Eyes on the pies

Pooles Pie;'Verve singer Richard Ashcroft's favourite!
Pooles Pie;'Verve singer Richard Ashcroft's favourite!

THE story in the local news about the pie shop robber was incredible reading.

I can imagine how scary it was for the staff and I think people underestimate the effect it has on the victim.

Only a few years ago, I pulled over in Manchester to buy myself a kebab. A car pulled up in front of me then reversed back alongside me. He wound his window down, and I figured he was going to ask me for directions or something so I wound my window down too.

He started being very threatening and abusive, calling me a ‘mother this’ and a ‘mother that’.

I was totally baffled as to why I was the subject of this abuse but it it probably didn’t help the situation when I sarcastically replied “Ooh, do you know any other swear words”?

He replied with a few more ‘mother’ you know whats before I added “I wouldn’t go near your mum”.

This probably wasn’t the best time to do a ‘your mum’ joke. In hindsight, I would have loved to have said “Your mum’s so fat, even her blood type is Ragu”, but I would have messed up the delivery no doubt.

Strangely, I never felt physically threatened during this but my conscience just suddenly screamed ‘Get away’! And a split second later this idiot pulls a gun on me. In that same second I accelerated away, thankfully I didn’t stall the car ... that would have been humiliating.

Anyway, we then proceeded to have a high speed car chase ... well, as high speed as you can get in a Hyundai Getz.

This carried on for a few minutes and I’ve never felt adrenalin like it, I really thought I was going to get killed. I only wanted a kebab ... those kebabs are proper nice, though. They put them in a naan bread and put loads of chicken and chilli yogurt type stuff on.

I wouldn’t take a bullet for one but very nice all the same.

The chase ended with the police pulling me over after I’d jumped two red lights getting away. I was an emotional wreck, I was shaking like a dog does when it has a number two.

It took me a few weeks to get over that experience. So I do sort of appreciate how frightening it was for the staff at Waterfields.

And after my feelings of empathy towards the staff, I’m amazed by the audacity (and lack of ambition) of this fella.

Now, I’m no expert on how to do a robbery but if I did have to take that career path the first thing I would do is invest in a balaclava. You can get a decent one for £4.50. I’d probably go for a Thinsulate one to keep my face warm for all year around use. I’d go for a Olive Green colour to match my eyes. I’d get a decent pair of black boots, steel capped to spare injury in case I should accidentally drop the hammer on my foot. May I also suggest dark clothing.

What I wouldn’t wear was a heavy duty, high visibility jacket, with a baseball cap and white trainers. What an absolute muppet. He may as well go all the way and dress as a one man band.