50 Shades of Grey - is that about a B&Q colour chart?

50 Shades of Grey author E L James
50 Shades of Grey author E L James

THERE’S been an awful lot of fuss over a certain book recently.

The ladies have been going crazy over it and it’s fast become the biggest seller - 50 Shades Of Grey.

When I first heard it mentioned I assumed they were on about the colour charts at B&Q.

There will be loads of blokes around St Helens at the moment wondering why their missus has been quite happy for them to watch the footy while the ladies read their book.

I’ve noticed a few mummies at my daughters school walking around with a lustful, dazed look in their eyes.

I decided to see what all the fuss was about so I read the first three chapters and I have to be honest I thought it was rubbish.

There was more boobs and todgers mentioned in Gary Neville’s book. For starters the author has applied a writing technique known to many people as a ‘plot’.

And that’s were you lose most of the blokes on this. Unlike the ladies, we don’t need a plot.

All you need for a plot for us blokes is a lady with rather large fun bags, who’s clearly as mucky as a kebab house kitchen, and she needs her washing machine repairing.

We don’t need a slow steady story with well defined characters. That to us is unnecessary padding.

I would be absolutely rubbish at writing a erotic book. Mine would end up more like a pamphlet ... mostly with pictures.

I REALLY am a typical bloke. Speaking of which, I’m not sure if this is just a Dad thing but lately I’ve started to forget where I’ve parked my car.

I rarely get to park outside venues and instead have to find little side streets.

A few hours later I’m totally at a loss at where I’ve parked and end up walking around endlessly. I’d be rubbish in Doctor Who, I’d never be able to find the Tardis.

I HAD to turn down a gig the other day as I was already busy. It was for a venue in Nottingham called ‘The Doghouse’.

What a mad name for a venue. I apologised that I couldn’t do the gig but I assured them that I am always there in spirit.

Thanks for reading...