Twentyman’s Vision - If I had three wives I’d live in the shed

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I’M gigging in Sharm El Sheikh in Egypt this week, I can actually see Saudi Arabia as I type this. I’m only here a few days and to be honest I’m ready for home. It’s a ginger’s nightmare as the temperature is up around the 45C mark.

Holiday makers pay the best part of 3k to come here but to be honest I prefer Llandudno, because I’m being eaten alive by mosquitoes. They don’t even wait until you’re asleep before they start munching on you. I’m covered in lumps which I personally believe serve as an advertisement to other mosquitoes. It’s a bit like when you go past a restaurant and you see loads of people in there eating so you think it must be good.

Another reason I’m not entirely keen is the fact it’s rained only once in the past 14 years. They don’t have any hosepipe bans here though. I like a bit of sun but like most British, after a week I’m wishing for a bit of rain.

I watched a programme on the telly the other week called Holiday Hijack where they take holiday makers out of their posh hotels and get them living and mixing with the locals, so they can appreciate the hard life they go through and how much they rely on tourism. So I thought I’d do the same around here and contribute to the local economy by buying some flip flops or something.

To be fair the Egyptians are very friendly people but they mither you like crazy. I’ve got key rings in my bag that I didn’t even want, I’m guessing they did some kind of Jedi mind trick on me.

Me and my comic friend ended up sitting with one of them having a brew in their shop. It was really interesting chatting with him. His name was Isam and despite only being in his early 20s he had three wives. I really can’t get my head around the logistics of that to be honest. If I had three wives I’d live in my shed. Having not one but three ladies all telling me not to forget to put the wheelie bin out sounds awful. It must be weird for the wives too. All I would be thinking is ‘I hope I don’t have to be his favourite wife on Sunday, I don’t fancy making a roast’.

You don’t see many Egyptian ladies here. All the workers are men including the cleaners. It’s very interesting as the men will not let the ladies talk to you. Even though they are only work colleagues they round up around you so that the lady has to walk away. They told us the ladies are their (Egyptian’s) women only. It’s their culture I suppose, I mean Wiganers are like that about their pies aren’t they?

Petrol here is very cheap, it’s only 20p a litre. Water is 30p a litre so it’s more expensive than the petrol. It’s a shame they have the 100ml rule at the airports otherwise I’d be filling my suitcase with bottles of the stuff.

The snorkelling here is incredible. The sea is crystal clear and it’s full of tropical fish. I’ve discovered they like ready salted crisps if you break them up small enough, they don’t show that on the wildlife documentaries. They even have barracudas which apparently can swim at 30mph and will attack something if it’s shiny. Let’s be honest though, there’s people in town who are like that on a Saturday night. Drunk scallies trying to throw things at the moon.