Dave Twentyman: Where the toilets have phones

Holiday destination feature Benidorm
Holiday destination feature Benidorm

I WAS back in Crete again last week to do a gig in a posh hotel.

Last month they provided me and the other act with a stunning room with its own personal swimming pool, jacuzzis, and massive bed, I felt like a King.

The thing that most impressed me though was the phone right next to the toilet.

I’m not quite sure what you was supposed to do with that ... not sure my wife would have appreciated me ringing her up to tell her I was having a sit down wee.

This time around I had to fly from Gatwick which involved me doing my gig on the Saturday night then driving straight down through the night for my early morning flight.

I met up with the other comic, Nick Page who used to present ‘Escape To The Country’ during the daytime.

He’s great company and he was telling me that a relative of his gets proper paranoid that he might accidentally unlock his car as the plane takes off and goes over the car park, so he takes the battery out of the car key.

Nick fell asleep right on take off. I wanted to do exactly the same but I had the most horrendous trapped wind and lots of it.

I was frightened of falling asleep in case I let it all out and disgusted the other passengers so I stayed awake, and over the course of three and a half proceeded to break wind in tiny instalments like catalogue payments as to not arouse suspicion.

We didn’t get the fancy hotel this time, instead we was put in ‘ze German’ hotel next door. The Germans are nice enough but let me tell you they do not mess about around a buffet, they have the eye of the tiger. They are first to everything.

The telly was all in German too, every single channel. I watched their version of Judge Judy which was called ‘Richterin Barbara Salesch’. She looked much meaner than Judy. At one point I thought she was going to pull a Luger pistol out and shoot the defendant “nein, nein, nein”!

They all seemed to be in bed by 11pm. I was rolling in at 3am singing ‘Land of hope and glory’, until the guard in the machine gun tower clocked me and asked for my papers.

I was gutted to be flying with EasyJet on the way back. I cannot stand that airline. They made me put my hand luggage in a metal case to make sure it wasn’t too big, the idea is so they can fleece more money out of you.

My bag got shoved in in the same way I shove a bin bag in wheelie bin the night before they come along to empty them. It was going in no matter what.

The thing that really winds me up though is the sit anywhere you want policy they employ.

The sight of a few hundred people running to a plane to get the best seat is very unBritish in my opinion, it was like a huge game of musical chairs.

The pilot was well gutted as he’d lost his seat, too.