Dave Twentyman - We’re right behind you, Stuart

England's interim manager Stuart Pearce
England's interim manager Stuart Pearce
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HELLO, you’ll have to excuse the scatty nature of this weeks column, although you’re probably thinking ‘no change there’.

* THE Afghans have been going crazy, rioting about the burning of the Quran at a US military base.

How does this kind of thing keep happening?

I reckon this could be easily prevented by printing future copies on A4 sheets of asbestos instead of paper. That should go some way in preventing some thick American from burning it.

* STUART Pearce has put himself forward for the England job for the Euro’s, stating that he has ‘tournament experience’.

Aye, if I remember right he took one of the strongest England squads I’ve personally seen to the Euro U21’s Championships and got knocked out at the group stages.

So please, take a step back Stuart...a little bit further....bit more....right now stay there and shut up.

* THERE’S a rumour flying around Wigan that there are two Wigan Warriors shirts buried under the pitch at Langtree Park, which were apparently put there by a couple of pie-eating builders.

It was obviously just a giggle to these two fellas but this kind of thing doesn’t half get the superstitious folk of Wigan into a frenzy.

At least it distracts them from staring at the reflection of the moon in puddles, “Gee uz a bottle will yer, this is thas best chance t’capture it”.

You wouldn’t have had anyone leaving their rugby shirts under the artificial pitch at Widnes, you know how fussy carpet fitters can be about any lumps under the underlay. It must be easy job for the groundsman at that ground, all’s he’ll need is a Dyson and a bit of Shake n Vac.

* THIS tedious phone hacking scandal seems to be rumbling on. Charlotte Church is the latest celebrity to be awarded damages to the tune of £600,000.

I have to admit, I ignorantly thought that journalists had been listening in on conversations.

The reality was that they were really just listening to voicemails. What kind of voicemails are these celebrities receiving- “Hiya, listen...I’ve been having an affair with your brother and your dad (Same thing in Wigan) and I want a divorce....ring us back when you can”.

My voicemails are boring things like “Oi, you’re about as much use as a fish with boobs,ring us back”! Not the most flattering message your wife can leave but there you go.

Thanks for reading!