Dave Twentyman: The life on the farm for me

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I DO gigs in all sorts of different places and venues but last Saturday was a new one on me. I did a gig in a farm barn near Sheffield.

They’d shifted the poor animals out, cleaned it up a bit and put a comedy night on. 300 people sat on hay bales watching a show.

There was even a hen party in from Rotherham but to be honest it would have felt like a home from home for them.

I got talking to a nice lady at the gig and it turned out she did a bit of tiling.

Now obviously I’ve not seen the quality of the grouting but to a St Helens man, a lady that can do a bit of tiling is a bit like that scene in Dr No when that stunning blonde in a bikini walks out of the sea...wow...tiling.

The gig was for charity. If the charity is a worthwhile one that is close to my heart then I will always do the gig...if it’s the right money of course. He he. Oh come on, would you go to work for a day for free?

They had raffle on with meat being one of the prizes. There’s a few things that excite men.

Burning stuff in the garden and naked ladies tiling are just two of them. Meat is without doubt a third. Combine it with a raffle and you’re onto a winner.

They did have a big life size teddy too. I’m sure I seen it move a few times. It could have been a trojan teddy. You take it home and go to bed. Meanwhile a bloke climbs out and robs your house.

I WAS reading a story on the St Helens Reporter website about a CS gas canister being discharged at Rainford High School.

That’s a bit hardcore isn’t it? The worst thing we used to do in school was use the red rubber things on the end of the pipettes in science and stick them on the taps and turn the tap on.

It was effectively a huge water bomb. Every now and again someone would occasionally get stabbed with a compass but that was about it. It makes you wonder how they get their hands on stuff like this.

I remember a few years ago, Jason Manford telling me a story about a mutual comic friend.

This mutual friend is a top bloke, but he does have a naughty side to him. This friend rang Jason and the conversation went like this: “Hiya Jase, can you get me some CS spray mate?” “....what”? “Oh, sorry mate, wrong Jason”.

We never did find out why he needed it.

Thanks for reading!