Dave Twentyman - P-p-p-pick up a penguin

Jackass penguins, wearing red and green garments, take a walk at the Hakkeijima Sea Paradise aquarium-amusement park complex in Yokohama, southwest of Tokyo, Japan, Sunday, Nov. 13, 2011. (AP Photo/Itsuo Inouye)
Jackass penguins, wearing red and green garments, take a walk at the Hakkeijima Sea Paradise aquarium-amusement park complex in Yokohama, southwest of Tokyo, Japan, Sunday, Nov. 13, 2011. (AP Photo/Itsuo Inouye)

A COUPLE of stories have amused me this week. The first is about a couple of gay penguins at Toronto Zoo, called Buddy and Pedro. They shared a nest for over a year but have now been separated by zoo keepers.

How shady is that? Apparently they’re an endangered species and the Brokeback Mountain pair had to be split up to force them to breed with the females.

Pedro has since been trying to woo a female but poor Buddy is on his own. Fair play to Buddy, he’s not going to live a lie. Sounds like an episode of Eastenders doesn’t it?

The second story is about a marathon runner in the Northeast who has been stripped of his bronze medal for cheating. He’d been using performance enhancing methods but in this case it wasn’t with drugs but with a bus!

They reckon he jumped on the bus for a few miles before jumping out near the finishing line to claim bronze. He denies this of course, claiming it’s a case of mistaken identity.

I totally believe him, he’s clearly caught the wrong bus. How do you catch a bus and still finish third?

DESPERATE Scousewives has started on the telly.

I’ve not watched any of it but I’ve seen the trailer...”I’ve only beun out wi’ one fewtballer”. Oh yeah, who did he play for then, Prescot Cables?

What I want to know is when are we going to have Desperate St Helens Wives? I can imagine the trailer right now, a girl from Clock Face eating Angel Delight whilst doing the voice over, with clips from the stars of the show.

Sint Helens....The glamour....”That’s a nice top, is it from TKMax”? The Glitz “Should we have a chip munk for tea?. The boys “That sounded a bit wet, did you follow through then”?