Dave Twentyman - I’m back!

Comedian Dave Twentyman
Comedian Dave Twentyman

HELLO, did you miss me last week ... what do you mean no?

I was back in Egypt and unfortunately this particular hotel didn’t provide Internet access.

What I could have done with is the new innovative idea currently being used in America, brace yourselves....homeless wifi. You can’t make this stuff up can you?

What they’re doing is using homeless people as wifi hotspots. They wear a t-shirt stating this and people give them two dollars for 15 minutes worth of wifi. The homeless people get to keep the money. How brilliant an idea is that?

The downside is that you have to keep to within 30 metres of them though.

This wouldn’t work with our very own Johnny Wellies. Despite being about 120 years old, that fella can’t keep still. It’s like nailing down water.

It’s such a relief to get back to England as I’m just not keen on the food here. It’s funny watching the Brits walking around the hot buffet with just chips on their plate, shaking their heads at the different foods.

Flicking through the channels on the television here I’ve noticed that you never see cookery programmes, and I can pretty much guess why.

“Hello Gentlemen, this week I am going to show you how to cook this beautiful sirloin steak....firstly, I throw it into this pot of boiling water...and leave it boiling for about three days...”.

And that would be it. Each episode would be about 30 seconds long. There was more moisture in my flip flops than there was in that meat.

THE coalition have crippled us even more with the recent budget. Personally the petrol prices are really hurting but Iguess when they’re building an evil death star they need all the tax money they can get.

However, putting VAT on pies is a step too far, George Osborne. This is quite clearly a class war now.

I enjoy a pie as much as anyone else but in Wigan they’re practically a breast milk substitute.

That’s right, taxing pies in Wigan is the equivalent to pulling a mothers fun bag from a hungry babies mouth. They should be ashamed of themselves this government, ashamed!